I want to show you all what Cheese Wheel Pasta is because that’s what I had for dinner last night:
Two things you should know about Cheese Wheel Pasta
- It is delicious.
- It will kill you.
I don’t want to first-world-problems this, but after some cheese wheel pasta, entree, dessert, an asahi, a 10% beer of some name I can’t remember, and two glasses of complimentary something-alcoholic, I had a terrible experience. For some reason I cannot possibly pinpoint, I woke up in the middle of the night twice with stomach pains and cheese-scented sweats. When I woke up in the morning (two-and-a-half hours passed my alarm), it legitimately felt like I had been in fisticuffs the night before – everything was sore, and I felt an overwhelming sense of shame.
I didn’t get home until after eleven, and so with all the cheese weighing me down I was pretty much unconscious in a matter of moments. It wasn’t until the next day that I realised I was still wearing my tights. I touched my left knee, and I felt the hot, wet scab from last Saturday seeping through the fabric.
This phenomenon is known as Grafted Tights Syndrome (or GTS for short). It is when your have some kind of wound healing on your persons, and you decide to wear tights over them. The sensation of GTS is something unique. Sure, there is the pain you would imagine comes with ripping nylon off of an open wound, but there’s also so much more.
Let me pose this hypothetical: say you had an ulcer in your stomach and you needed it cauterised, which is grosser – the ulcer in your gut, or THE SURGICAL GLOVES ACCIDENTALLY LEFT IN YOUR STOMACH AFTER THE SURGERY BY A DOCTOR WHO WAS HIGH ON OPIATES??!?!?!
No, that wasn’t written in all-caps; you just read it as such because, clearly, the surgical glove is grosser. And it’s because even when something our body creates is malignant and/or painful, something that doesn’t belong scares us so much more. It’s so unheimlich.
Now, I give you a painfully under-explained explanation of the concept of the uncanny.
Unheimlich naturally translates to un-home-like, but when we English speakers translate Freud’s Das Unheimliche, we translate it to The Uncanny. Within the text, there’s like, a lot of going around in circles, talking about the deconstruction of the word and this story called The Sandman that no one has ever heard about except from Freud, until finally he lands on the conclusion that the reason why we are afraid of losing our eyes is because the eyes are a metaphor for the penis. Now, I’ve never had a penis, but I’d still be pretty afraid if someone tried to gouge my eyes out.
But after a lot of theorists of all disciplines got behind it, this idea of the ‘uncanny valley’ developed. Basically, if we can recognise humanity in something, but it’s not quite human, we get creeped the fuck out. Usually this has to do with faces. This is why we always see the face of Jesus in corn chips, and also why we fear Corn Chip Jesus.
But also, what if the uncanny valley related to stuff other than your stupid face? Some people love the idea of having an SD card implanted inside of them, while others are thoroughly disturbed. Conversely, some people are freaked out by dummies, while other creepy fuckwits are ventriloquists. Even if the human body itself doesn’t become less of itself, the addition of new material somehow makes us feel ‘less human’.
This is what Grafted Tights Syndrome does to us. Even though we are actually regenerating new skin, the fact that our skin is being woven in with our tights is enough to make ourselves feel disturbed, or like we’re losing a key component of our humanity. That we’re not quite right – that we are uncanny.
Issues regarding GTS
Unfortunately, GTS isn’t considered a real medical syndrome by most, if not all medical professionals. And as I rip the skin from my tights, as I feel the burn and the disturbance within my very soul, I’m aware that there are people, nay jerkholes out there thinking I’m complaining about something dumb. No you’re dumb. But luckily, you don’t have to be dumb – not if you don’t want to be! You can join the fight against GTS by following these easy steps.
- Donate. Donations start at the $50 level (though really, couldn’t you give more?) and can be sent directly to my bank account.
- Spread the word by hashtagging #GraftedTightsSyndrome. Example post: “I just donated $1000 to #GraftedTightsSyndrome and my chakras have never felt more aligned!”
- Take the Atlantean Crystal Skull you have wrapped in 100% pure silk from your altar, and push it inside your vagina. If you don’t have a genuine Atlantean Crystal Skull, you can buy one from my online store for only $749.99! What are you waiting for?!
So spread the word! The mightiest journey starts with a single step. So like, take a step already god, I’m bored waiting for you.